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Anna sits in her counselor’s office, right across from the psychologist in a hard wooden chair. She sits hunched in it, curled into herself, defensive. She wears a hard, guilty look on her face, anticipating “confession time.”


      I don’t have an eating disorder. Sometimes I wish I did, but I don’t. Sure, there are things I don’t like about my body, but you’ll have a hard time finding any girl that doesn’t feel that way. I mean, yeah, sometimes I hate the way I look. Some days I wake up, pull on a pair of jeans and just stare into the mirror. I look at the pear-shaped silhouette of my body and just cringe. But that doesn’t mean I have an eating disorder. If I have an eating disorder, every girl in America has an eating disorder.
      I used to have an eating disorder. I don’t anymore. It wasn’t even a real eating disorder. It was just, one day I caught this awful cold and couldn’t eat for three days because my throat was so sore. When I was finally better, I stepped on the scale and noticed that I had lost five pounds. Five pounds in three days! It was so easy. So I went back to school and brought just a small plastic bag of cereal for lunch, telling everyone I was still too sick to eat. I did that for the entire week. I lost ten pounds in one week! I had gone down from 142 pounds to 132 pounds and it had been so easy. Sure, I constantly felt hungry… but it was a prideful sort of pain. It was such a thrill… watching the numbers get lower and lower each day, knowing I was the one doing it. I felt shitty about myself, about the way I looked but now, now I wasn’t just punishing myself for it… I was doing something about it. I mean, starving yourself—it would seem destructive to everyone else in the world, but it seemed constructive for me. There was finally something about myself I could control, some way in which I could hurt myself and make myself better at the same time.
      But I stopped. I like food too much to have an eating disorder. And bulimia didn’t work either. It was too much work, throwing up all the food I had just eaten. It’s hard making yourself throw up at first. I tried gagging myself with my toothbrush, but I couldn’t hold out until I threw up. I tried punching myself in the stomach, burping repeatedly. Finally I learned that kneeling over with your butt in the air and burping at the same time gets you vomiting the fastest. But still, there’s so much time and effort put into… it’s draining! And at the end, you never feel like you’ve gotten enough of the food out. It’s not as satisfying as anorexia. When you are starving yourself, you take pride in your self-control, but when you’re purging, you’re doing it because you feel guilty about losing your self-control. See, eating disorders aren’t just about your body-- I mean, sure, that’s where the focus is, but it’s also about self-possession. You’re claiming yourself, fixing yourself, letting out all of the faults and anger and guilt that you’ve held inside and coming out a new person. There’s hope at the end of every eating disorder… at first, at least.
      But I stopped it. I don’t do that anymore. I mean, sure, I have lapses sometimes… but it’s not any different than the self-consciousness that any woman feels. I guess… sometimes… I feel like eating disorders never die. They kind of lurk at the back of your mind, rising back up whenever you order dessert at a fancy restaurant or stare at your ass for just a minute too long in the mirror. And sometimes, I have these fantasies where I become slim and beautiful. In one, I’m skewered—like a roasted leg of lamb—I’m skewered on a pole and someone is carving away bits of my flesh with a sharp knife. They cut away all the blubber from my stomach, my butt, and my thighs and I stare at it as they throw the pink mess onto the floor. And sometimes, I’m lying on a surgery table and the doctor sticks a tube into my ass and starts sucking and I can see my ass just deflating as though they were sucking helium out of a balloon. So, OK, yeah, that’s a little weird… but ask any woman—any woman!—and she’ll have dreamt of something like it at least once in her life. Whether she admits it or not, she’s thought about it. See, I don’t have an eating disorder, I just have the same doubts and insecurities that every other woman has.
just a girl... talking.

and before you ask, um, persona a little??
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reemy587 Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2014
This is really perfect. I just wanted to ask if I could use this in a class presentation. We have to share a monologue about an obstacle we faced in our life. So just wondering if i could please use this and if it would be fine with you. Thanks.
KittyGoRewr Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, this is really awesome! Every other eating disorder monologues I've read just seems like they're crying, "Oh, woe is me, I'm fat!" But this one actually establishes a point. Great work!
zsophia101 Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2011
May I actually use this for a monologue on youtube? My username is the same as on here. Just reply back asap, please! I would love to use this one :)
russian-roulette05 Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2009   Writer
great job
Death2thayer Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2007
"I tried gagging myself with my toothbrush..."
That made me laugh, 5 stars on that sentence.

"I’m lying on a surgery table and the doctor sticks a tube into my ass and starts sucking and I can see my ass just deflating..."

Memoriable lines!

I love this monolouge, kind of sucks because i am a male and i wanted to ask you if I could present this in a speech and debate tournament---but i am not a girl so i cannot.... guhhh.
IllusionofReality Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2007
thanks for the feedback. i'm in theatre, too... :) good luck at the tournament!
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